Women Leaders “Lack Confidence”?
As an executive coach, one of the most frequently-mentioned development topics in 360 interviews is that a woman leader “lacks confidence.” The most often cited observation is that they “fail to speak up” in meetings. This feedback is perplexing as the same woman leader is often known to be an expert in a specific area of the business, has excellent business acumen, is the “go to” person for creative ideas for solving complex business challenges and yet, somehow is labeled as not being confident. Many C-Suite executives I have worked with commonly have 15-minute meetings to hear a pitch that may have significant, long-term strategic impact on the organization. One CEO is reported as saying that “he uses this rule: If the person making the proposal seems confident, the CEO approves it. If not, he says no.”
So, appearing confident and speaking confidently have major consequences. While everyone has developmental needs, the consistent feedback of women leaders needing to “be more confident” is striking given the total picture of competence and success for these same women. In developmental psychology, we may say that the pacing and timing of how we speak subliminally signals our status and rapport with whom we are engaged in conversation. Many women (as well as men) have been taught that it’s rude to interrupt.
If you’re an extrovert, you probably have gotten feedback to “take a breath,” learn to pause to give others a chance to speak, and gain some impulse control. If you’re an introvert — the issue for most of the women painted into this “lack of confidence” category — you are not only waiting for someone to make a point, but you are not wired to speak up until you have a whole thought formed or a contribution you feel is value-added to speak about. You don’t talk to hear yourself. Introverts also don’t butt in. They just wait for a pause to jump in. If they leave a meeting without making the proverbial “contribution,” they don’t lose sleep over it. There will be other opportunities.
My conclusion is that it’s Extroverts that are judging Introverts. Renowned scholar Deborah Tannen describes how “cultural factors such as country or region of origin and ethnic background influence how long a pause seems natural.” (see https://hbr.org/1995/09/the-power-of-talk-who-gets-heard-and-why?referral=03758&cm_vc=rr_item_page.top_right).
So, how do we help introverted women leaders appear more extroverted so they get the opportunities they so richly deserve? That’s the complex “Gordian Knot” of development for women leaders who are culturally different from the dominant culture at their firm. Being an authentic leader is also vital to success just as is being viewed as strong and confident. Adding value at every meeting is expected. Who gets heard and why is at the root of Dr. Tannen’s research agenda. Since 1974 she has been studying “how ways of speaking learned in childhood affect judgments of competence and confidence, as well as who gets heard, who gets credit, and what gets done.”
Coaches owe it to their clients to understand this dynamic. For self-aware clients who are getting this feedback, your choice is how to address this. What can you do to change this perception? What can you learn to do to break this belief about you? One tool is to do a life story interview with your coach and introspectively consider when, with whom, and how you developed ease in speaking up in some circumstances. Maybe it was with your best friend, your music teacher, or your spouse. Think about what allowed you to get comfortable or stimulated you enough to talk more spontaneously. Next, consider how to create that same ease in the business environment, including developing closer relationships with colleagues and senior leaders around you. (I often also hear colleagues say they feel like they don’t really know the “real” person.) Then, start a developmental journey to work hard to speak up at least once in each important meeting (where you know you are being looked at to make an important contribution) to make a point that is relevant, contributory, and uncomfortable for you to do. Keep practicing and getting encouragement from your closest colleagues and of course, your coach to change the impression about you.
Let this be a New Year for you! We can’t change people’s opinions of us overnight, but if you work at this over a six to nine-month period, you’ll start to hear feedback about the value of your ideas being shared, your contributions being valued, and people starting to feel like they know you better.
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